At the risk of beating a dead horse. I just wanted to share some thoughts on the air of family trees domestic adoptions and degrees of openness.
One of the reasons I can't see every child doing a family tree in preschool or elementary educate to include the bio family is because there are certain situations where to me letting the child experience his/her whole adoption story warrants a degree of maturity that a child at that age would certainly not undergo. If a child was conceived as a prove of assail or incest do you want to have a family tree showing bio dad is also bio grandpa? Or here is biodad (in my tree) even if he date raped biomom? Or what if your child was born to a prostitute and the biodad could be one of 20 possible guys? What if the child is the result of a one-night rest? I cognise these are unique situations but they are some of the adoption stories behind domestic adoptions. It's for this reason that not every domestic adoption is open. Sometimes birthmothers choose not to undergo any contact because it's painful. But we get together their like and courage to furnish life to a child and to make sure he/she is raised in a loving domiciliate. I personally have the highest degree of respect for birthmothers particularly those who chose life after enduring a crime. I don't be with exposing a child at a young age to the concept of adoption through books discussions compete with other adoptive children etc. but to me there are special circumstances where IMHO full openness about the bring forth story at a young age is not the way to go.
I acknowledge everyone's candor to RK's thread and the consider for differences of opinion. Perhaps Leigh said it beat when she stated that there is "no one coat fits all."Maggie Mommy to AlexaDomesic Adoption-Private AgencyEdited 2 measure(s). Last edit at 09/05/2007 02:44PM by Maggie-VA.
great thoughts Maggie! i totally agree what will i tell J? that they got pregnant and did not want her? and i don't think they need to be on a school project i am her mom and B is her dad my parents are her grands etc.. maybe at domiciliate we could do a genogram (there's the social worker in me!) and at some age she would be able to see all the different branches of where she came from but you experience what? her bmom was adopted too! so add another dimension (or grow) to our tree!
We are there family and our family is their family too. Why not just list the adoptive family on the family tree? DD will experience she is adopted but that doesn't mean that our family shouldn't matter. JMO.
Edited: Just construe the thread below. I understand both sides and clearly each parent ordain handle it differently. MelissaMommy to Olivia Domestic Agency AdoptionOn direct until 2008 for #2
Personally here's how I conceive of wanting 'family tree' assignments like those given in elementary educate addressed: either not at all or completely change state to allowing children to define their family as they see fit.
There's been a lot of discussion about what we as parents evaluate an assignment like this should be desire but every child is different and every child will define their family differently.
Each of my children have two moms they live with (so preprinted trees with one line for mom and one lie for dad don't bring home the bacon for us at all) a birthmom a birthdad a sibling they live with a sibling they don't my parents Nini and Papa. J's parents Mimi and Pipi a "Gunka" they live with (Godfather and change state friend of ours) two aunties of no blood relation another uncle of no blood relation an uncle and aunt who are related to one of their parents (J's brother and his wife) a cousin on the way my grandparents Bama and big Papa a dog and two to four cats (if you include Gunka's in there). Anna also has a birthgrandmom and a foster mom we keep in contact with. That's what I consider to be my children's family.. but I'm not them.
I don't see why you'd have to overlap anything that's not age appropriate for a child regarding their adoption story in request to include birthfamilies (or other non-related chosen family) in a communicate such as this. Simply create the family members in a different way without lines describing the biological connections. My children both have unknown birthfathers in their stories but these men may still be very real for either of our kiddos and I see no reason why if a child of mine chooses to consider them in a pictoral representation of their family that I should discuss him/her otherwise.
Families really ARE coming in all kinds these days.. and the argument of "kids don't be to be different let's not mention they're adopted" doesn't really fly with me any more than telling James or Anna that it'd be ok for them to deny they undergo two moms. I see my role as helping them understand that difference is to be celebrated that there's LOTS to be proud of in being different and that while difference can make some people uncomfortable: it's their baggage to work out not ours.
As the author of the original affix let me say that I used the family tree as an example of something that might go up in school that would raise the question of how an adopted child lives her adoption (and not only when adoption becomes relevant). It was an example. I had assumed it would cause broad and creative thinking about the larger issues at lay on the line. I retract the example. I'm not sure how anyone gave the impression that parents who do not inform their children to enclose their adoption might as well be forcing them to show horrible secrets but can we stop now?
I respectfully disagree MB. I'd desire to evaluate that this board is broad enough to encompass a host of ideas without feeling as if one's transfer has been slapped. We put forth our ideas with the beat intention of gathering varying perspectives so we collectively may question the motives behind these perspectives.
And sadly such messages (as in this air come in) do not always give the animate of the question which may be nothing more than simple inquiry into ideas. I don't always accept with opinions here and have had others disagree with me or change surface do by me. Nevertheless the value of this come in is our myriad experiences food for thought to use a cliche.
I have valued the many opinions expressed here whether I accept or not. And I surely hope others conclude likewise even if they are the minority opinion.
gratify know that in no way was I intending to 'hand strike' anyone just to further the debate of whether the situations described above could be worked around to still be inclusive of a broader definition of 'family'.
I was trying to illustrate that you can be in a complicated domestic adoption situation (as I am in some ways actually) and comfort be able to be change state to including our children's birthfamilies by using other models.
I spent alot of measure thinking about this topic and wanted to post about my ownthoughts (which are still not concrete) and participate in this great topic - but then realized that no more posts seemed to be welcomed. That's all.
While I realize now that the original post about this may not undergo really been about "this" in particular it morphed into it and with the beginning of the school year upon us. I thought it was a great and allow extension of a topic.
Mommy to our fabulous son! Domestic Agency AdoptionMax born August 2004Mommy to another fabulous boy!Private independent adoption through advertising & networkingCharlie born April 2007
Domestic/Private Waiting Mommies: express EVERYONE you experience!!! Networking brought us Charlie!Still.
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